Excuse me if I’m sounding a bit insane. This is all I’ve ever known and I wanted to ask if you’ve had something of the similar experience.
I lay there unable to move, stiffened by fear. Of what? I turn the flashlight on from my iPod and look around. How foolish? To turn on the sun as if it will protect you. You think the lights will save you from the evil? There is still evil when the sun is up. There is nothing. I hear these words, whispers echoing. Loud enough to hear, too quiet to understand. I close my eyes and swallow the lump in my throat. As my eyelids flow down and cover my eyes like a blanket shielding me, I see. This thing. It lurks in my mind. The sharp pain of familiarity strikes me down. I try to open my eyes but I can’t. This thing knows me, and I it. What is this creature? With blood drenched skin and talons. Long sharp talons. It has no nails. Only bone protruding from its flesh. My entire body gets hot. But I am frozen to the touch. I can’t breathe. I struggle, my body surging upward in attempt to let the air penetrate my lungs. It’s closer. Coming closer. And then it disappears. My eyes release. My lungs fill. The air is heavy, much like tar. Coating my lungs. I turn on my flashlight and walk to the bathroom. I turn on the lights. I splash my face with cool water. My body temperature is slowly returning back to normal. I look in the mirror. My eyes are bloodshot. I leave and head back to bed. I do not turn the lights off. As if they will save me.
So there I sat in his room, on his bed, next to him, but not with him. I was somewhere else. In another dimension. Going through all the mistakes I’d ever made. My mouth opened but the words failed to come to my lips. Not even as satisfying as death, but just failure to live. I heard his words but they didn’t register. I snap back into reality as he’s violently pushing my sleeve up. I pull back but he holds me steady. He looks at them. Hundreds of little pink and purple scars in lines across my flesh. He runs his fingers down and across them. He slips off the bed onto his knees and holds my hand, scars still showing. He looks into my scared green eyes and for a minute it’s almost as if he was going to ask me to marry him. But we’re only fourteen. I see a tear sliding down his cheek so effortlessly, he pleads with me. Begs me to never do it again. He kisses them. Every single one. My chest collapses and my heart slows and I taste the salt of fresh tears. A burst of warmth rushes to my heart and it flutters. The air is knocked out of me. I can’t speak. I sit there silently sobbing. He kisses my tear stained cheek and begs me once again. I choke out the words “No. I can’t.”. I’m not going to sit there and lie to the guy I love. I’m going to marry him one day. And anyways he can’t be my strength. He’s not going to always be there when I hurt. He collapses to the ground. Mumbling something like that he understands, he cares about me and doesn’t want to see me hurt, blah. I close my eyes and roll them. When I open them he’s holding his arm out. There’s scars on him too. Some new. Some old. I pull him in and hug him. I swallow hard and say “You have to promise me first.”. He pulls me closer and hugs me tight. “I promise.”. We hug for five minutes straight.
“I’m fine.” I say it with a smile but my teeth latch to my sealed lips holding back the story no one else knows quite as well as I. There are rumors. But they weren’t there. They didn’t endure like I did. Instead they laugh, keep laughing, all of you. It’s so funny, isn’t it? A childhood destroyed, a smile stolen, tears like a dagger, cutting deep into my flesh. Biting at my lips, crying, dying, being torn apart limb by limb. My senses strengthen. The scent a damp, musky, stench. It lingers on my skin to this day. I taste blood as it trickles down my throat but my teeth remain latched on my pale, lifeless lips. My stomach turns and I can still feel the pulling of my hair, tears fall down and collide with the dirt creating patches of mud the size of dimes. I hear his words and drop as if a bullet has penetrated my barely beating heart. I begin shaking and sobbing and kicking. I start to scream. He is there. Towering over me. Controlling me. My throat goes dry and my screams silent. He kisses me and pulls me in. I end this nightmare with the flick of my wrist.
I was nervous and blushing in his presence. He looked into my eyes, an attempt to comfort me. I looked back into his. He looked into my eyes, his face expression changing now into a sad-puppy-like look. I could tell he was reading into me. And I let him. I opened my soul to him. He read me. He knew about me, he knew all the bad things and it was breaking his heart just to see me hurt that way. Our hearts broke together. And we sunk. Hand in hand. Drowning in the regret and sorrow. Defeated at the least. He knew I’d destroy him. He knew that. That’s just what I do. I destroy things that I love because they get too close. They know me all too well.. maybe even better than I know myself. But he stayed with me. He believed in me. He thought I could change. He had faith in me. He told me he’d never give up on me. And for the first time, I believed it. The way he spoke the words made my heart melt and assured me safety. His voice was like a blanket, covering me softly in the night, chasing the demons away.
The depression is cast over me like an iron blanket and I am to weak to escape it so I will embrace it.
It drags me down into this sick strange darkness. I would’ve done anything for love. I would’ve died for it, sold my soul for just a taste. Even if in return all I get is a broken heart and scars to show for it. I’m drowning now, that is clear. I’m falling into this sea of hatred for myself and everything surrounding me, it is clear now. I will never resurface. Goodbyes would be proper but they are never said. You still have faith in me, well I don’t. I’m nothing but a number, a statistic. Don’t cry over me. Don’t. Don’t think you could’ve stopped me either. My time has come and gone, death is over-due. Now I’ll say it, one last time and don’t you forget it, I loved you. I couldn’t have loved you more. I’ll be love’s suicide. This is depression. Goodbye.
Five days left. It’s just three words but hey hit so hard. We got into a fight a week or so ago. I haven’t talked to him since, But I miss him so bad, you have no idea. You will never know what it feels like to plan your entire life with someone, to plan an escape. All my life it’s been disappointment after disappointment. I’m the disappointment. I know I am. I’ve never been anything anyone has wanted. But for once I thought maybe I had something. Call it a future. I had something with this kid. The way he kissed me proved it. Everyone told me to stay away. Hell his family hated me. Maybe I should’ve listened. But did they not see? It only made me want him more. He was my drug. My only escape. We were going to make it out of this place. We were going to run away and live happily ever after. Maybe I shouldn’t be obsessing over this. But then again, you will never know what it feels like until you are this close to the edge.
Our first kiss. It was electrifying. I remember he asked his friend if it was normal to get those weird feelings in your stomach when you kiss a girl. That was adorable. When his friend had told me that he asked him that, I knew he loved me. He was eighteen, he’s kissed lots of girls before me. But what made me so special? And how come I’m not anymore? I’m ugly. I’m scarred. I’m no good for him. I wasn’t then either. We both knew that. But for some reason it made us stronger. Until he gave up on me. Just like everyone else has. He’s no different. But he, he is the one I want. I would sell my soul for just one last kiss. Then I could die happy.
But then again, perhaps he just used me. It would be logical. Considering the things I did for him thinking maybe it’d make him love me more. But why would he do that? I think it started out that way but then he felt something. We were alike in a lot of ways. Maybe he saw himself in me. We both hated ourselves. We both wanted to die. Just two punks with no home and a fucked up demented way of thinking. I read into him though. I knew him better than he knew himself. I still do… well the old him. He’s not the same. Then again, neither am I. Are any of us? I guess you could say I’m desperate. I just want him to love me. I’d do anything just for him. He was my future. The only one I had. I should probably get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself but god damn it. Nobody else wants to listen and I need someone. We all need someone at some point.
I guess I kind of hate him. It’s not the kind of hate you have for just anyone though. I hate him for making me fall for him. He stole me from me. I was weak, vulnerable if you will. I let myself down. I can’t blame him. I want to. But it’s not his fault. It’s mine. I let myself fall in love. I mean, that’s the number one rule, right? Never fall in love. And I did. Like some fake. I fell in love and I created this fake happy world that didn’t even exist. It was all in my head. He wasn’t even a good person. He made me feel like shit plenty of times. He would talk for hours about random shit that I don’t give a crap about when I really needed to tell him something. His way of making me forget. Then one night on the phone in bed he wasn’t talking. I figured he fell asleep… which he has done on multiple occasions. I guess I’m just really fucking boring. But he was sleeping. I was sure of it. So I figured why not?. I sat there for an hour or two just talking to him in his sleep. I told him about how I felt. I told him about my parents. I told him about everything. Legit everything. And at the end I was kind of crying and I told him how hopeless I felt and then I made a joke about it trying to self-soothe myself or whatever. He laughed. He was awake. I asked him how long he’d been away and he told me about thing I’d said to him. And he told me I’d be okay. We stayed up another hour and he talked about everything. He opened up to me. We both admitted we were scared. This whole love thing was scary. I guess that’s when we fell apart. For a while I felt closer to him because we both knew each other. We knew each other in the deepest way. But then with the lack of mystery in the relationship we fell apart. We were better friends than lovers. I guess. But I didn’t want to be friends. I LOVED HIM. I still do. This is killing me.
“The worst part is, you know they’re not going to be together forever. I mean, come on, she’s fifteen. Okay, sixteen. Still. It’s not like they’re going to get married or anything. Even if they last a couple of years which they won’t she’ll go to one college and he’ll go to another, and pretty soon they’ll forget all about each other. That’s what always happens. That’s why teenage dating is so dumb, because it’s doomed to fail. You’d think people would have learned that by now, but I guess they haven’t. They go right on falling in love and thinking it’s going to survive high school. Allie and Burke, true love always. Whatever.
Anyway, happy birthday, Allie. I hope it was a good one.”
I’m just saying. Like I don’t take relationships that serious but I don’t put an expiration date on them. And what if someone actually loves you? I know omg ‘love’ ew. But seriously. Some girl could fall in love with you and you wouldn’t take it seriously. That’s what scares me about you. In all seriousness, I’m terrified to fall in love. And that’s part of the reason why. Because they could just wake up someday and realize they don’t need me. Then it’s all over. And what will that girl do? She’ll lose her mind trying to figure out what went wrong. What’s wrong with her. Why she wasn’t good enough. You may not know this but you could actually seriously damage someone. Believe it or not, one day someone is going to fall in love with you and they would give you their life if only you’d love them back. But you’re going to hurt them. You’re going to wake up one day and realize you don’t love them. The game will go on for you, but what about them? I know you’re young and it’s not like a serious thing to you. Relationships aren’t that big of a deal. But it’s a deadly game that you’re playing. I’m not saying you can never break up with anyone. But just I don’t know, don’t play with people’s feelings. And most importantly, never say I love you if you know you don’t.
–So since you guys liked the last one so much decided to do another 🙂 (I don’t like this one as much as Trigger)
Toxic by Bits Of Blue
You couldn’t save her Because how could a monster save an angel?
Or is it the other way around?
She’s fucking toxic,
Her heads in the sky, her feet are glued to the bottom of the sea.
Writing tragedies into her skin
Living on pain and booze to numb
A war she battles everyday
Tearing at her insides
Parasitical! Like her!
She fucking did this to herself!
The sickest part is;
She never wanted to be fucking saved
Drowning in the blood she drew with a poison soaked pen
She’d say; ‘But who could love a girl with no self worth? Who could love a girl with scars? A girl with inflictions and sick fucking addictions? A monster? Who could love me?’
She’s fucking toxic!
So fucking sick!
She sobs all alone in her head
as another lover lies on the bed
The one who could have changed this all,
just watched her fall.
‘FUCK IT ALL!’ she screams
She’s fucking toxic!
So fucking sick!
She gets off her knees
just to get on her back.
That’s all she was ever good at.
Now she’s six feet under on her back.
Trigger by Bits Of Blue
I am your trigger asking you to pull me
I am the toxin in your veins
driving you insane
I’m your trigger, I’m the one you hate.
The one you despise
Because I just might get into your head
Twist your heart around
Make you think, make you remember
Who you use to be, what we use to be
Our dreams. We buried them.
And now it’s your turn.
I’m the one you hate because I’m the exact same one you love.
I’m your trigger asking you to pull me
I promise I’ll take it away
but the worse thing you could do is stay.
You are a convict
in my convent
of addiction and denial.
The taste of me on your tongue still lingers
In the shadows of insanity
the embrace of your finger on the trigger.
Hung by your own web of lies
So fall back into me
the trigger’s refugee.
Life is a game
Fate is our referee
So run back into the love of me.
I’ll tell you you’re my only
show you everything you ever wanted to see.
But you’ll never be free
I am your trigger asking you to pull me
I am the toxin in your veins
I’ll take it all away
it’ll be okay if you run away
You’re a convict
in my convent
of lovers long gone
and the taste of her on your tongue
it no longer lingers here.
Walk in the shadows of insanity
embrace the trigger
Fuck your fate!
Help is just a little too late!
Look at my scars, they’ll reveal it all!
I was the only one that believed in you
even as I watched you fall.
I am your trigger
PULL ME BITCH!